Blown away: a subconscious self-portrait

Inner strength; passionate thoughts. Believing. Existing. Loving. Caring. Living life. Loving art. My love; family. Enjoy. LIVE! LOVE! LAUGH! Love. Live. Life. Enjoy. Believe…

You are a FAILURE!

Am I? I don’t think so. Sometimes I get seduced to think I am though. This is my inner strength talking me down. Inner strength can work both ways, just manipulate it in a way that is fortunate for you, I mean me. Whom am I talking to? I am me, I mean you; we are the same.  Why are you talking me down? Tell me why, you are the one who lets it happen. What do you mean? You are mean! That is not what I meant. I’m trying to tell you that you are wonderful and that you can do anything you put your mind to, just make sure you will be blown away by your strengths, the positive ones not the negative!


My inner strengths, such a vague expression. Though so strong in practice. It never came to my mind to make a self-portrait. Almost every painting is inspired by the movements of other human beings but never I have made one of my own movements. Consciously I didn’t, but my subconscious thought otherwise. My inner strengths took over. My inner voices spoke with my brain and my brain gave signals to my movements and so I made a self portrait, only to be noticed a year later. Blown away, I was blown away! The title of the painting had a deeper meaning than I ever thought possible. I literally was blown away.

I tend to surprise myself though. I am a little clumsy and things tend to get very creative when my clumsiness takes over, others would say messy but I like to walk on the bright side. I say hello, walk away and stay where I am at the same time. I stay with me because I like me. No!, I love me. I have to admit  that me is not just me. Me is my parents and my grandparents, my parents grandparents and their parents as well as their grandparents and the children of their grandparents; my roots. Me is me because they have blessed me with their beautiful genes. Through them I feel like I have lived already and I thank them;

‘I step out of the shower. Little drops of water are falling down in the bathtub from the shower head. I concentrate on the drops falling down when I put my body lotion on my body which is still covered in some water drops. My prominent green veins are shining through my lights skin and they remind me of a painting I made. I follow the green veins and now they are the painting. The little water drops are falling down quicker and quicker and the sound is getting on my nerves. A little on edge I move the shower head, hoping the water drops will stop from falling down. Unfortunately they don’t but I just accept it and try to concentrate on them again while I brush my  hair. It hurts but it’s alright. My hair has never been this long.

I look in the mirror and smile. I like my face. It blends my past and present together in an extraordinary package. I see my mother, my father, both my grandfathers and my grandmothers. It feels weird and yet so comfortable to see all these people in me. It makes me proud. My little brown eyes wake up from a dreamy state when I hear a slamming door, the wind blows the door shut. I look aside and there I see another piece of me in a different way. My love kisses me hello and walks away with a loving smile on his face and a satisfied look in his eyes. As he walks away, I do too. The roots have grown and now flowers are coloring my life. Colors I choose myself but find their primarily color in the roots. Some flowers died on my path of life. Though, I still carry their seeds so I can learn from their existence. Mix them in a new color and grow them even bigger and brighter then before.

While I am dressing myself I hear pots and pans making noise. I am starting to dress myself a little quicker. Excited to stand in the kitchen with a glass of red wine, Merlot to be specific, and share a chitchat about our days and thoughts. The smell of lams-meat is reaching my nose. When I walk into the kitchen, a bottle of red wine stands on the counter top. I love the sound of his voice while he is singing to the music. Our eyes meet and we smile. A smile of recognition. A smile because I see myself in him. This is where the flowers grow and hopefully eventually we will be blessed to be the roots of an extraordinary package of life. For now, I enjoy this great smell of different spices and the presence of this beautiful man. Meanwhile I thank my roots for letting me grow these gorgeous flowers in a blessed life.’


Every painting I create, is a little piece of me but this one has a special place in my heart. Not just because of the similarity of the prominent green veins which are shining through my light skin and are displayed on the painting growing from the roots but also because of the composition and the dynamic in the painting. The flowers are blown away but they won’t go far. They are attached to their roots or should I say reminded; a special combination of past and present which will lead me to a colorful future. And my inner strengths?  They keep the past and present in balance. The knowledge of the past I take with me, to live and enjoy every second in the present and then the future will take its existence; a clumsy surprise full of colorful flowers.

LIVE, LAUGH, and most importantly LOVE!!

Xx Manouk

This is the second story in a series of ‘My story behind the painting’. Do you want to make sure you don’t miss the next one? Subscribe to my blog and follow me on Facebook; artbymanouk.


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